Black Sun

    I Statements and XYZ Statements

    Communication Skills

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    I Statements and XYZ Statements

    When a person feels that they are being blamed—whether rightly or wrongly—they typically respond with defensiveness. "I" statements are a simple way of speaking that will help you avoid this trap by reducing feelings of blame. A good "I" statement takes responsibility for one's own feelings, while tactfully describing a problem. XYZ statements are another format to accomplish the same idea.

    I Statements

    "I feel [emotion word] when [explanation]."

    Rules:

    •"I feel…" must be followed with an emotion word, such as "angry", "hurt", or "worried".
    •Careful wording won't help if your voice still sounds blaming. Use a soft and even tone.
    •In your explanation, gently describe how the other person's actions affect you.

    Examples

    1.
    Blaming: "You can't keep coming home so late! It's so inconsiderate."
    "I" statement: I feel worried when you come home late. I can't even sleep."
    2.
    Blaming: "You never call me. I guess we just won't talk anymore."
    "I" statement: "I feel hurt when you go so long without calling because I feel ignored.

    XYZ Statements

    "When you did [X], in situation [Y], I felt [Z]."

    When you did X,

    •Describe the specific behavior. What was the one thing he/she did?

    In situation Y,

    •Describe the specific situation or circumstances

    I felt Z,

    •Tell how you felt or were affected

    Examples

    1."When you made dinner (X) today (Y), I felt really special (Z)."
    2."When you ignored me (X) last night (Y), I felt hurt and disappointed (Z)."
    3."I felt so humiliated (Z) when you yelled at me (X) in front of your parents (Y)."

    What to do:

    •Identify how you feel and express it in a non-blaming or non-hostile manner.
    •Focus on yourself and your emotions.

    What not to do:

    •Name call – a feeling doesn't involve name calling or thoughts about the other person. A feeling is personal and introspective.
    •Overgeneralize – using phrases such as "always" and "never". Usually these statements are preceded by "you" which is not the basis of an XYZ statement.
    •Mindread – assuming you know what the other person thinks or intends. Don't tell someone how they feel or think, or what they intend. Nothing good comes of it.
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