Black Sun

    Negotiated Time-Outs

    Communication Skills

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    5.0

    Negotiated Time-Outs

    Negotiated Time-Outs are a structured approach to taking breaks during heated conversations to prevent further escalation of an argument. Arguments are not productive in resolving issues and continuing forward while heated is only inviting more problems, not less.

    In order to use negotiated time-outs effectively, set aside time with your partner to discuss the rules of the time outs when you aren't in an argument. This exercise must be done when you are both calm.

    How to Establish Time-Outs

    Step 1: Pick a Signal

    •Before any conflict arises, discuss and agree on a time-out signal with your partner. This could be a physical symbol, for example making a "T" with your hands, or an agreed upon phrase, for example "I need a timeout." Or get creative, for example "Pineapple." Humor can help diffuse situations when used tactfully.

    Step 2: Set a Time Parameter

    •Set a specific amount of time whenever a time-out is called for disengagement and reengagement. For example, if you set a time parameter of 30 minutes you know that if either party calls a time-out you will separate for 30 minutes and then come back together. At that point you will assess whether you are ready to talk or need a new time parameter before re-engaging in the conversation.

    Step 3: Set a Location

    •Discuss where both parties will go during a time-out. Knowing where and how to separate makes this process much simpler during an actual argument.

    Step 4: Calm Yourself

    •During the break, focus on calming yourself down.
    •Work through the feelings that are coming up from the argument using the healing methods in the app.

    Step 5: Return and Resume

    •Return at the agreed-upon time to continue the conversation with a calmer mindset.
    •The person who called the time-out is responsible for initiating the return.

    Important Guidelines

    Minimum Time

    •The minimum recommended time-out is 20-30 minutes—this is how long it takes for your nervous system to calm down.

    Extending Time

    •If 30 minutes isn't enough, it's okay to extend, but always communicate when you'll return.

    Purpose

    •Time-outs are not about avoiding the issue—it's about addressing it more effectively when you're both calm.

    What to do:

    •Agree on a signal before conflict arises.
    •Specify when you'll return before leaving.
    •Focus on resolving emotions during the break.
    •Return at the agreed time to continue the conversation.

    What not to do:

    •Don't try to establish rules during an argument.
    •Don't leave without saying when you'll return.
    •Don't ruminate or rehearse arguments during the break.
    •Don't use time-outs to avoid addressing issues permanently.
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