Bids for Connection
Psychological Concepts
Bids for Connection
Bids for connection, identified by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, are the fundamental units of emotional communication. A bid is any attempt to get your partner's attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids can be verbal ("Look at this sunset!") or nonverbal (a sigh, a touch, a look).
Gottman's research found that couples who stay together turn toward bids 86% of the time, while those who divorce turn toward only 33% of the time. How you respond to these small moments determines the emotional climate of your relationship.
Three Responses to Bids
Turning Toward: Acknowledging and engaging with the bid positively. "Wow, that is a beautiful sunset!"
Turning Away: Ignoring or missing the bid entirely. Continuing to scroll your phone without looking up.
Turning Against: Responding with hostility or rejection. "Can't you see I'm busy? Stop interrupting me."
Most bids are not dramatic requests for connection—they're mundane moments. A comment about work, pointing something out, a small touch, sharing a thought. These micro-moments accumulate into either a rich emotional bank account or chronic disconnection.
Why This Matters
Relationships rarely end because of major betrayals alone. They erode through thousands of small moments where bids are ignored or rejected. Learning to recognize and respond to bids is the daily practice of love.
Examples of Bids
Verbal Bids
Nonverbal Bids
Practicing Turning Toward
- •Put down your phone Give full attention when your partner speaks
- •Acknowledge before responding "That sounds frustrating" before offering solutions
- •Notice the small moments A comment about the weather is still a bid
- •Repair missed bids "I'm sorry I wasn't listening—tell me again"