Using Others: The Default Human Condition
Psychological Concepts
Using Others: The Default Human Condition
"People who can't control themselves control the people around them."
— David Schnarch
Using others is not a moral failing—it is the default human condition. When we lack the ability to provide something for ourselves, we instinctively seek it from others. This is as natural as breathing. The infant cannot regulate its own emotions, so it uses its caregiver. The child cannot validate its own worth, so it seeks approval from parents. This is appropriate for children.
The problem arises when we carry these patterns into adulthood. When we never develop the capacity to self-soothe, self-validate, and self-regulate, we continue to use others for these functions—often without conscious awareness. This creates relationships built not on love, but on need. Not on connection, but on extraction.
The person who cannot manage their own anxiety manages their partner instead. The person who cannot feel worthwhile alone demands constant reassurance. The person who cannot tolerate uncertainty controls everything around them. Using others becomes so normalized that we mistake it for love, for care, for connection—when it is actually consumption.
The Uncomfortable Truth
If you need someone to feel okay about yourself, you are using them. If you need someone to regulate your emotions, you are using them. If you need someone to give your life meaning, you are using them. This isn't judgment—it's recognition. And recognition is the doorway to change.
This dynamic connects directly to the distinction between needs and wants. A "need" is characterized by negative emotional reactivity when it isn't met—anger, anxiety, withdrawal, manipulation. When we need something from another person, we will use them to get it. We may call it love, but love without choice is consumption. A "want," by contrast, is something we desire but can live without. We can want connection without needing it. We can want validation while being able to validate ourselves. The difference is freedom—both ours and theirs.
Why This Matters
Understanding how we use others—and are used by them—illuminates the hidden dynamics that sabotage our relationships.
Signs & Indicators
Signs You May Be Using Others
- Feeling anxious or angry when someone doesn't respond as you hoped
- Needing constant reassurance about love, worth, or the relationship
- Monitoring someone's behavior to manage your own anxiety
- Becoming upset when others prioritize their own needs
- Feeling empty or lost when alone
- Requiring others to change so you can feel okay
- Using guilt, withdrawal, or anger to get needs met
- Feeling personally attacked by others' independent choices
- Measuring your worth by others' reactions to you
- Controlling others to manage your own internal state
Signs You Are Loving Rather Than Using
- Feeling secure even when others are upset with you
- Supporting others' autonomy even when inconvenient
- Managing your own emotions without requiring others to change
- Feeling whole and content when alone
- Expressing preferences without demanding compliance
- Allowing others to have their own experience without taking it personally
- Giving without expectation of return
- Maintaining your sense of self regardless of others' opinions
- Taking responsibility for your own emotional reactions
The Control-Anxiety Connection
Schnarch's insight reveals a profound truth: control is always a symptom of internal dysregulation. When someone cannot manage their own anxiety, fear, or insecurity, they externalize the problem. Instead of doing the difficult work of self-regulation, they regulate their environment—and the people in it.
This manifests as:
The controller believes they are managing a relationship problem. In reality, they are avoiding a self problem.
Using vs. Loving
There is a fundamental difference between using someone and loving them:
Using says: "I need you to be a certain way so I can feel okay." Loving says: "I want you to be fully yourself, and I will manage my own reactions."
Using says: "Your behavior determines my emotional state." Loving says: "My emotional state is my responsibility."
Using says: "I will withdraw, punish, or manipulate until you meet my needs." Loving says: "I will express my preferences while respecting your autonomy."
The tragedy is that most people confuse using for loving. They believe intense need is proof of deep love. But need is the absence of love—it is consumption disguised as connection. True love requires two whole people choosing each other, not two half-people desperately clinging together.
Accountability: The Exit Door
The path out of using others is accountability—specifically, radical accountability for our own emotional states. This means accepting an uncomfortable truth: what happened to you was not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.
No one is coming to complete you. No partner can heal your childhood wounds. No amount of external validation will fill the hole inside. These are your tasks, and yours alone.
This isn't harsh—it's liberating. When you stop waiting for others to provide what you lack, you discover you can provide it yourself. When you stop needing others to change so you can feel better, you realize you can feel better regardless. When you stop controlling your environment, you find you can control yourself.
Accountability transforms you from a consumer of others into someone capable of genuine love.
The Reflected Sense of Self
Picture your ego as an inflatable balloon. A person with a reflected sense of self cannot inflate their own balloon—they rely on others to do it. If someone praises them, they feel good. If someone criticizes them, they collapse. Their entire sense of worth depends on how others respond to them.
This person will inevitably use others. They have no choice—they cannot provide for themselves what they desperately need. They will seek validation, pursue approval, demand reassurance, and manipulate responses. Not because they are bad people, but because they are empty people.
The alternative is developing a solid sense of self—the ability to validate yourself, to know your own worth regardless of others' opinions, to regulate your own emotions without external support. This is the developmental task that allows true connection: being full enough to give freely, rather than empty enough to take constantly.
The Paradox of Need
"Needing someone makes loving them impossible."
When you need someone, you cannot see them clearly. You see what you need them to be. You relate to your projection, not their reality. True love requires the death of need.
The Cost of Using Others
When we build relationships on using rather than loving, both people pay a heavy price:
"The only way to make a relationship last is to stop needing it to."
— Unknown
From Using to Loving
Transforming from using others to truly loving them requires honest self-examination and deliberate development.
How to Apply
- 1Identify Your Needs: Make an honest inventory of what you need from others. Validation? Security? Regulation? Purpose? Worth? Don't judge—just observe. Notice when you become reactive if these needs aren't met. Your reactivity reveals your dependencies.
- 2Trace the Origin: Ask where each need originated. Usually, it's a developmental gap—something you should have received as a child that you didn't, or something you should have learned that you weren't taught. Understanding the origin helps you address the actual wound, not just the symptom.
- 3Develop Self-Provision: For each need you've identified, ask: "How can I provide this for myself?" If you need validation, learn to validate yourself. If you need soothing, develop self-soothing practices. This is the developmental work that was skipped. It's never too late to complete it.
- 4Practice Want, Not Need: Experiment with wanting rather than needing from your relationships. Want connection, but don't need it. Want appreciation, but don't require it. Notice the difference in how you feel—and how others respond to you. People are drawn to fullness and repelled by emptiness.
- 5Take Radical Accountability: When you notice yourself wanting someone else to change so you can feel better, pause. Ask: "What is this revealing about what I cannot provide for myself?" Then do the internal work instead of the external manipulation. This is accountability in action.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'