Satir identified four dysfunctional communication patterns that people adopt when under stress. These are survival stances—protective strategies that helped us cope as children but limit us as adults.

1. Placating (Self-Sacrifice)

The placater ignores their own needs to keep others happy. "Whatever you want." "I don't mind." "It doesn't matter." Internally: "I'm worthless without your approval." Placaters sacrifice themselves to avoid conflict and rejection, but end up feeling resentful and invisible.

2. Blaming (Attack)

The blamer protects themselves by finding fault in others. "It's your fault." "You never..." "What's wrong with you?" Internally: "If I attack first, no one can see how afraid I am." Blamers appear strong but push others away and never get their real needs met.

3. Computing (Super-Reasonable)

The computer intellectualizes and stays in the head to avoid vulnerable feelings. "One must consider all factors." "Logically speaking..." Internally: "Feelings are dangerous—better to stay cerebral." Computers seem calm but are disconnected from themselves and others.

4. Distracting (Irrelevance)

The distracter changes the subject, jokes, or creates chaos to avoid dealing with issues. "Hey, look over there!" Random tangents and deflections. Internally: "If I keep moving, no one can corner me." Distracters avoid pain but never address underlying problems.

Self-Practice: Identify your primary stance(s). Which do you default to under stress? Notice when you shift into survival mode. What triggers it? What would you be feeling if you weren't using this stance?

Satir's iceberg metaphor illustrates that behavior (what we can see) is just the tip. Beneath the surface lie multiple layers of internal experience that drive our actions.

The Levels (Top to Bottom):

Behavior: What others can observe—actions, words, expressions.

Coping: The stances we take (placating, blaming, computing, distracting).

Feelings: Emotions about the situation—fear, anger, sadness, joy.

Feelings About Feelings: How we judge our emotions. "I shouldn't be angry." "It's weak to be sad."

Perceptions: Our interpretations and beliefs about what's happening.

Expectations: What we expect from ourselves, others, and life.

Yearnings: Universal human longings—to be loved, to belong, to matter, to be free.

Self: Our essential nature, the "I Am" at our core.

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Self-Practice: When you're upset, work through the iceberg. What am I doing (behavior)? How am I coping? What am I feeling? How do I feel about those feelings? What am I perceiving/believing? What was I expecting? What do I really yearn for beneath all this?

Every family has rules—some spoken, most unspoken—about what's allowed and what isn't. These rules shape how family members communicate, express emotion, and relate to each other.

Dysfunctional Rules Often Include:

• "Don't talk about problems."
• "Don't express negative emotions."
• "Don't ask for what you need."
• "Keep the peace at all costs."
• "Loyalty to family means not talking to outsiders."
• "Some topics are off-limits."

How Rules Limit Us: Rules learned in childhood often operate unconsciously in adulthood. You may feel vaguely wrong when breaking a family rule, even if you consciously know it's unhealthy.

Self-Practice: Identify your family's unspoken rules. What couldn't you talk about? What emotions were unacceptable? Which rules do you still unconsciously follow? Begin questioning whether these rules serve you now.