Black Sun

    STAIR Therapy

    In-Depth Explanation

    In-Depth Explanation

    STAIR Skills Training

    Building Emotional & Relationship Capacity

    STAIR (Skills Training in Affective and Interpersonal Regulation) teaches you two fundamental skill sets: managing your emotions and navigating relationships. If trauma—especially early or repeated trauma—left you struggling with overwhelming feelings or difficult relationship patterns, these are the skills you need to build. This guide walks you through exercises you can practice on your own.

    Part 1: Emotional Regulation Skills

    Learning to manage overwhelming feelings

    Skill 1: Knowing What You Feel

    Many trauma survivors learned to disconnect from their emotions to survive. Now, you may only know you feel "bad" without being able to name what's actually happening. This skill rebuilds that connection.

    Daily Check-In Practice:

    1. Set 3 alarms throughout the day
    2. When they go off, pause and ask: "What am I feeling right now?"
    3. Try to name the specific emotion (not just "fine" or "bad")
    4. Notice where you feel it in your body
    5. Rate its intensity 0-10
    6. Write it down: "2pm - Anxious (6) - tight chest, shallow breathing"

    Feelings Beyond "Good" and "Bad":

    Worried • Ashamed • Lonely • Frustrated • Overwhelmed • Jealous • Embarrassed • Resentful • Hopeless • Terrified • Numb • Disgusted • Bitter • Confused • Empty • Irritated • Panicked • Trapped • Betrayed

    Key insight: You don't need to change what you feel—just notice it. Awareness is the first step.

    Skill 2: Tolerating Intense Emotions

    When emotions feel unbearable, your instinct may be to escape—through numbing, dissociating, or destructive behaviors. This skill teaches you that you CAN sit with discomfort without being destroyed by it.

    The TIPP Skills (for emergencies):

    • Temperature: Hold ice cubes, splash cold water on face, or take a cold shower. Cold activates your "dive reflex" and calms the nervous system.
    • Intense Exercise: Do jumping jacks, run in place, or climb stairs for 5-10 minutes. Burns off stress hormones.
    • Paced Breathing: Breathe out longer than you breathe in (4 in, 6 out). Activates your calming system.
    • Paired Muscle Relaxation: Tense each muscle group while breathing in, release while breathing out.

    Ride the Wave:

    1. Notice the emotion building like a wave
    2. Remind yourself: "This will peak and then pass. It always does."
    3. Don't fight it—observe it with curiosity
    4. Describe what's happening: "The wave is cresting... now it's receding..."
    5. Notice when it naturally decreases

    Key insight: Emotions are temporary. Even the most intense feeling will pass if you don't fight it or feed it.

    Skill 3: Shifting Your Emotional State

    This isn't about "thinking positive" or suppressing feelings. It's about developing the capacity to intentionally shift your state when you're stuck.

    Opposite Action:

    When an emotion isn't helping you, do the OPPOSITE of what it's telling you to do:

    • Fear (when not in danger): Instead of avoiding, approach the situation
    • Sadness: Instead of withdrawing, get active and engage with life
    • Anger (when not justified): Instead of attacking, be gentle and take a break
    • Shame: Instead of hiding, share with someone safe

    The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding:

    To shift out of overwhelm into the present moment:

    • Name 5 things you can SEE
    • Name 4 things you can TOUCH
    • Name 3 things you can HEAR
    • Name 2 things you can SMELL
    • Name 1 thing you can TASTE

    Create a "Feel Better" Menu:

    List specific activities that reliably shift your state. Examples: walking, calling a friend, taking a shower, listening to specific music, petting an animal, cooking.

    Part 2: Relationship Skills

    Navigating relationships in healthy ways

    Skill 4: Recognizing Your Patterns

    Trauma creates relationship patterns. Without judgment, explore which patterns show up for you:

    Common Patterns to Notice:

    • Withdrawing: Pulling away when things get close or vulnerable
    • People-pleasing: Saying yes when you mean no, hiding your needs
    • Anxious attachment: Needing constant reassurance, fearing abandonment
    • Pushing away: Testing people or pushing them away before they can leave
    • Oversharing: Telling too much too soon to anyone who shows interest
    • Isolation: Avoiding relationships altogether to feel safe

    Reflection Exercise:

    1. Think of your last 3 important relationships (any kind)
    2. What patterns showed up?
    3. What were you afraid of in each?
    4. How did those fears affect your behavior?
    5. Write: "In relationships, I tend to _____ because I'm afraid of _____."

    Key insight: These patterns developed for good reasons—they protected you. Now you can choose which ones still serve you.

    Skill 5: Expressing Yourself Clearly

    Assertiveness means expressing your needs clearly and calmly—without aggression or apology. Many trauma survivors struggle with this because they learned their needs didn't matter.

    The Formula: "When you... I feel... I need..."

    • When you [describe specific behavior]
    • I feel [name your emotion]
    • I need [state what you need]

    Example: "When you cancel plans last minute, I feel hurt and unimportant. I need more notice when plans change."

    Assertiveness Practice (Start Small):

    1. Week 1: Express a preference when someone asks ("I'd prefer the window seat")
    2. Week 2: Make a small request ("Could you lower the music?")
    3. Week 3: Politely decline something ("I can't take that on right now")
    4. Week 4: Express a feeling ("That comment hurt my feelings")

    Your Rights (as a reminder):

    • You have the right to say no
    • You have the right to express your feelings
    • You have the right to change your mind
    • You have the right to ask for what you need
    • You have the right to set limits on your time and energy

    Skill 6: Setting and Keeping Boundaries

    Boundaries are limits that protect your wellbeing. If your boundaries were violated in the past, you may not know how to set them—or you may feel guilty for having them. Boundaries are not walls; they're the edges of your personal space.

    Signs You Need a Boundary:

    • Resentment building up
    • Feeling drained after interactions
    • Saying yes when you mean no
    • Feeling taken advantage of
    • Anxiety before seeing certain people

    How to Set a Boundary:

    1. Identify: What feels uncomfortable or violating?
    2. Decide: What limit do you need?
    3. State: Express it clearly and calmly: "I'm not available for calls after 8pm."
    4. Hold: When pushed, repeat calmly. "I understand, and I'm not available after 8pm."
    5. Consequences: If needed, name what happens if the boundary isn't respected.

    Remember: You don't need to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE). A simple "That doesn't work for me" is enough.

    Why STAIR Skills Work

    Research shows STAIR produces significant improvements in:

    • Emotional regulation ability
    • Relationship satisfaction
    • PTSD symptoms
    • Depression and anxiety
    • Overall quality of life

    Because you're building genuine capacity—not just processing memories—the skills transfer to ALL areas of your life.

    Remember

    • You're not broken—you adapted: Your struggles developed for good reasons. Now you can build new patterns.
    • Skills take practice: Don't expect perfection. Each small step builds capacity.
    • Emotions are temporary: Even the most intense feeling will pass.
    • You deserve healthy relationships: Boundaries and assertiveness aren't selfish—they're necessary.
    • Start small: Begin with low-stakes practice and build from there.

    Rate This Theory

    All ratings are anonymous

    Help others by sharing